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Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

Subject:something of note:
Time:9:11 am.


Sunday, March 21st, 2004

Subject:random update #3
Time:6:49 pm.
man i kind of missed being at school but god fuck do i hate living with these bitches.


mr. will sheff.

ps. what the eff?? i am startingly pleased in the way that only numbers can please me. YOU KNOW.
Date created: 2001-08-08 20:29:16
Date updated: 2004-03-22 00:47:26, 18 minutes ago
Journal entries: 555
Comments: Posted: 2,499 - Received: 3,399

Friday, February 27th, 2004

Time:3:34 am.
this is what i have to say.

+ i love you.
+ i need to buy cigarettes for julia because i feel pretty bad about smashing them when i was drunk.
+ i made a mixtape for the first time in like a MILLION YEARS. OH EMGEE
+ i'm not asleep because i slept twelve hours last night.
+ i hate my stats professor/class with the burning passion of a thousand fiery suns;
+ also the french language is a bitch.
+ mike doughty? jesus fucking goddamn christ. love of my life.
+ i cannot think of anything else BUT i assure you that my life is as eventful and gloriously interesting as it ever has been!!!

love lindsay

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

Subject:my socks are cute.
Time:2:56 pm.
this is probably the result of me being sick and fucking exhausted, combined with me hating everyone on the planet right now and believing with complete conviction that i am going to FAIL OUT OF COLLEGE and/or kill myself, but.

i am tired of this and i'm going to stop writing in it. kthx.
i'm other places; if you honestly want to know, email me or message me or something.

lbraddy@knox.edu // ps i love jlo

the end.

Thursday, December 18th, 2003

Subject:all i want in life's a little love to take the pain away
Time:1:28 am.

I HAVE GONE from: ignoring the pretension of people whose (apparent) unparalleled brilliance kept me in awe to: being overwhelmed by it on a constant, nauseating basis.

THANKS TO JEFF, i listen to sunkeneyed girl 3+ times a day, every day.

THE WAY THAT i am treated by boys i have and have not met convinces me that i am indeed insane and deserve nothing good, ever.

I BARELY SLEEP or eat; when i sleep it's in fitful intervals on my family room sofa because my bedroom depresses the living shit out of me, and when i eat i make sure it's in front of people in some (pseudo)valiant attempt to tell the world HEY, I AM OKAY AND EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND DON'T EVER WORRY ABOUT ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER, EVER WORTH YOUR TIME OR CONSIDERATION.

MY FINGERS ARE permanently covered in graphite from goodwill hangers; for the past three days i've hung 1,000 pieces of clothing a day for nine hours straight in a blindingly attractive smock. add in some possible sexual harassment, aching knees and having to go and do it again tomorrow: no, really, i don't want to die at all.

OH, I MISS so much. see: the tail end of this summer, long phone conversations, drinking and subsequent blissful forgetting, stephanie, galesburg, meg, being okay and at the very least viable.

I CAN STILL do trigonometry like a motherfucker.

Wednesday, December 17th, 2003

Subject:crazy like patsy cline
Time:3:07 am.

in the year 2004, i resolve NOT to:
ONE become a heavy smoker
TWO fail at college and/or life
THREE begin calling people by EITHER their full name OR their first initial (a small half-exception to this is my lovely l-face)
FOUR live like the phone is my lifeline
FIVE let myself work at goodwill in the summer
SIX go on enough shopping sprees to dig myself into a pretty big hole, financials-wise (gotta leave room for the bling)
SEVEN let incredibly important, amazing people slip away from me
SEVEN (extended) argue with angie in october
EIGHT have (too many) crushes on completely unattainable boys
NINE put anyone, whether they be far or near, so high on a pedestal that i lose myself
TEN die.
i was just looking at lauren's journal and i rediscovered this entry, which reminded me of sam saying "aww. even rap niggas should have friends." during the dmx track on that cd. saturday night, on 40 near the science center.

random add-on because i am insane: one thing i miss about the "HARD KNOX CAFE" and knox in general is the ever-presence of water chestnuts in a convenient cafeteria container. not that i eat water chestnuts more than "on occasion," but. their availability was always inexplicably comforting.

Tuesday, December 16th, 2003

Subject:no one here wants to fight me like you do
Time:1:55 am.
the last couple of days have been...surreal. i've felt kind of like a character in a novel. not even a good novel, like some shitty $3.95 supermarket "young adult" paperback that pegs eighteen year old girls like myself as overdramatic sacks of flesh that don't really deserve to breathe.

or, oh wait, maybe that's just how i feel.

let's just say that i've maintained a two-day streak of crying on the phone in bathrooms. and i've broken my seven-day streak of not smoking tonight, counting on the nicotine to calm my jangling nerves (it has the same effect as a huge fucking cup of coffee, only with more dizziness. +1 for cigarettes!).

this entire world has felt turned absolutely on its end for god knows how long. people i trusted with my ENTIRE LIFE, people i thought i would ALWAYS, ALWAYS be able to count on for non-awkward conversation and comfort were ripped away from me. that's not to say that it was anyone's fault. i was heartbroken. i guess i still am, kind of, thinking about it; but it's all me, it's all my stupid insecurities and naiveté that had me hardcore convinced that would never speak to these people again because they made me feel abandoned (whether i really was abandoned or not wasn't really the issue).

take angie. anyone who cares enough to read this far in the entry probably knows what happened between angie & i this fall, what happened when i went away to school and she stayed in the city. i guess it was expected, especially given our history of annual autumn knock-down drag-out blowout arguments (uhh...most of which were my fault entirely). in october i had kind of written angie off as a friend because i thought we had just gotten really old and jaded and just...different.

but goddamn. GODDAMN do i love angie. i think she is amazing and she is so important to me. there was some sort of turning point when i realized that i couldn't not be friends with angie, you know? so much of my life, my history, is wrapped up in her. even though she doesn't recognize the "COMEDIC GOLD" that is pokey the penguin, she is still one of the funniest people EVER and, i don't know. i'm being kind of sappy but i am pretty proud of myself for recognizing her value not just to ME, but to other people and in general as a human. angela leigh is good, period.

exhibit a.Collapse )</blockquote>so, um. angie not hating me is pretty much proof that even when i am a monumental stupid jerk, people can still stand to be around me. this has happened a lot, unfortunately, and gives me some sort of hope.

now excuse me while i write an apologetic email because i am a stupid jerk.

ps. the word "trickery" makes me giggle like nobody's business.

Monday, December 15th, 2003

Time:10:29 pm.
i kind of want to die a lot.

sorry i'm so melodramatic.

Time:3:37 am.
i think christy carlson romano is more attractive/talented/intelligent/generally likeable than hilary duff. THE END!!

Sunday, December 14th, 2003

Time:6:38 pm.

Friday, December 12th, 2003

Time:10:52 am.
so i am a crazy woman. it is decided.

i've decided to devote my time to being okay and not feeling like dying a lot. you know. "normal people" things.

i will start this by leaving for work in seven minutes! the day will consist of:
a) getting there at 11.20
b) trying not to punch people
c) secretly wanting to punch a lot of people
d) counting the hours until matt comes in
e) rejoicing at 4.30/5.00 when matt comes in and can keep me from punching things.
and when i come home i will probably take a double dose of nyquil and pass out, kind of what i did at midnight last night.

phone calls/emails are always appreciated but never, ever expected.
yes: i am okay. really.

Thursday, December 11th, 2003

Subject:i don't want to be a bad woman.
Time:12:31 pm.
sometimes i can't stand bright eyes and other times i'm sitting here dying over conor oberst's guitar and voice and fingers. you know. "amy in the white coat."

last night at bread company i said something to angie about how i didn't want to be here next summer. and i don't. she said quite emphatically and seriously that she hates st charles but loves st louis, which is totally understandable, i guess. i love st louis, too, but living somewhere i hate 25 miles away from it for three months isn't worth it to me. i wanted to say "i don't want next summer to be like last summer," but i couldn't say that with angie sitting across from me. sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) things i say (especially to angie, it seems) are well-meant or don't mean anything but i still end up being a huge jerk. i don't even know when i should apologize anymore.

last summer was all light and magic at the good parts and bone-crushingly depressing at the bad ones. i can't...i can't be sitting here in my parents' house waiting to spend 45 hours a week at goodwill next summer. i can't. that's not to say that the almost-constant hanging out with people that have proven to be pretty amazing wasn't good. because it was, it was really great. i'm just awful at verbalizing my feelings. i'm unrealistic through and through, but if there is somehow i can prove to myself that i can DO something for once instead of waiting for amazing things to happen to me, it'd make everything else worthwhile.

i don't make any sense. awesome. at least i dyed my hair dark(er) for the winter.

as of late i've found myself feeling completely BARRAGED with girl-y drama, as if some giant conglomeration of everything i hate about females, or that at least is stereotyped as such, has set out to attack my heart and my sanity with endless passive-aggressive insinuations and petty squabbling. it kind of makes me want to die. being involved in any capacity with any one person who is "far away" has taught me that there are always, ALWAYS, strings attached. thank the blessed lord that there are girls within proverbial arm's reach (not to mention the inherent amazingness of the currently chicagoland-bound stephanie lynn and meghan marie) that, for the most part, keep me sane and remind me that everything doesn't have to be falling apart all the time.

is it january yet? really. i'm making myself sick.

Monday, December 8th, 2003

Time:11:56 pm.
"I told my dad about how Lindsay stole the baby Jesus from the nativity scene. He thought that was pretty cool, being a Jew and all."

that made me spit "party pizza" out of my mouth.

ALSO. what color should i dye my hair. seriously i have no idea. i kind of do not want to be this color blonde anymore but whatev. i have no concept of what would look good at all. TELL ME, FRIENDS. PLEASE.

this post is frivolous.

ps. tonight i heard that milkshake song on z107.7, q95.5, and 100.3 the beat consecutively. it was awesome.

Friday, December 5th, 2003

Time:5:28 pm.
youoldeccentric: friend did you steal my menses.
king me naive: hahaha what.
youoldeccentric: i had them last month but now i do not know where they are.
youoldeccentric: "friend"
king me naive: I DID NOT STEAL THEM
youoldeccentric: what is that under your bed.
king me naive: JUST MY SHOES
youoldeccentric: your shoes look an awful lot like menses
youoldeccentric: MINE in particular.

if there has been anything good that has come from the insanity of the last week, it is probably the at least halfway-stable feeling of knowing i have a job next week. and thus, funds to pay my half of tuition this month, my cellphone bill, etc. i hate thinking of not going back to knox just because i am lazy or did not take some sort of necessary initiative, but. it should all work out fine.

and besides, i've felt monumentally lazy as of late. i mean, i have watched the royal tenenbaums upwards of eight times the past week. and i've spent an inordinate amount of time in front of the television, watching "the fabulous life of..." on vh1 (both jennifer lopez and justin timberlake).

needless to say, i have listened to "jenny from the block" like five times today.

also needless to say, my new screenname is: ps i love jlo. no need to tell me how awesome i am. i already know.

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003

Subject:i've never been too good with secrets
Time:11:54 pm.
i wrote verbal letters in the mall parking lot tonight. this was my favorite:
"dear people who don't look for cars before crossing the street,

i ADORE you. i mean, really. you are my favorite kind of people ON EARTH. i love having to slam on the brakes of my already-precarious topheavy minivan on slick asphalt because you can't follow the inane instructions 'look both ways before crossing the street,’ no doubt drilled into your skulls when you were INFANTS. i appreciate you, seriously, I'M NOT FUCKING JOKING. you make life so much more interesting. and for that, i applaud you, o cloistered tenants of the pedestrian walkway. honestly.

on a, um, heavier note i guess. dear everything, please, please stop being so hard. love, lindsay.

Friday, November 28th, 2003

Subject:oh, distance has the way of making love understandable
Time:2:47 am.
Mood:lame and needlessly heartsick.
there's a comfort that comes along with the certainty that you'll never have what you want.

this is not an emo thing to say, it's the truth. i've reached and surpassed the coping point; now i'm tearing out my hair over selfishness and half-written letters and feelings that can't be maintained. really, honestly, i'm crazy for being this way. but there's going to be a calm where i can function, a place where i have breathing room inbetween moments of panic and can just focus on being the typical achingly lonely self-destructive eighteen-year-old girl that i am, complete with a fixation on hemingway and cherry cigarettes. i'm sad, the world revolves around the sun. nothing else is new, i deal with it. i need to find a way to stop making other people deal with it, though.

so, yeah. i'm going to quit feeling sorry for myself and waiting for phone calls this weekend. i am, i swear. instead i will be blindingly happy, i will get crunk, i will contemplate the mention of 270 and natural bridge road in "holidae in" by chingy f. snoop dogg and ludacris. and everything will be fine.

king me naive: man. feeling trapped is awesome.
qodxow: isnt it?
king me naive: yes i feel like having a party right now!
king me naive: or a panic attack, either way.
qodxow: how about a panic party.
king me naive: or a party attack.
king me naive: now that sounds cool.
qodxow: you can wear a hat. itll be fun.

Thursday, November 27th, 2003

Time:10:31 pm.
i can't stop sneezing and everything is nuts.
or maybe that's just me. yeah, probably.

Monday, November 24th, 2003

Subject:st charles = awful
Time:2:05 am.
king me naive: also my mom just found out that my tongue is pierced
king me naive: and she was like
king me naive: "that must have hurt"
king me naive: and that is it

tomorrow my plan is: sleeping, making copies of our last radio show for people. let me know if you want one!

Sunday, November 23rd, 2003

Subject:just call me swiss miss
Time:2:45 am.
picture survey i stole from kayte + heather. i can't believe i am doing this instead of studying.Collapse )

Friday, November 21st, 2003

Subject:come on, eileen.
Time:1:45 am.
i told stephanie today that i realized the times this term i have resorted to bullshitting 6-7 page papers the night(s) before they were due (five) and i resolved to be better next term. come on, come on. i'm okay, i keep my promises.

even though i apparently "do not have a strong physical dependence on nicotine" i still suck. and i smoked today when i was making my realizations about the awfulness of my schoolwork and apathy, etc.

SOMEONE told me this evening that i've changed since i've come here. and they wouldn't explain any further, which made me kind of angry along with completely frustrated. i'm not brain dead, i know i've been doing things and saying things and shoving things through my tongue that i didn't ever think i would. or imagine i would. but to think that these sorts of relatively superficial things have changed my personality frightens me. i have this overwhelming urge to ask everyone i know if i'm the same person i was three or four months ago. maybe i'm just growing up & growing apart, but that's too much of an excuse to be actually feasible. i don't know.

in other news, i am in possession of the cutest purses known to man/woman/michael jackson. which ALWAYS makes everything okay, duh.

Wednesday, November 19th, 2003

Subject:my dreamgirl don't exist
Time:1:34 pm.
i need to get a handle on myself.

i'm quitting smoking tomorrow for meg even though i wouldn't mind if my entire life smelled like clove cigarettes from now on. i mean. really.

last night was: crying on the phone, feeling awful and unloved (always!), not sleeping, not working, being eventually so exhausted i couldn't see. it also was jeff sending me "my dreamgirl don't exist" at 3am and me consequently dying a million times.
she don't need you or won't fuck your friends
and you, you're american, so important boiling over
to prove that she must still exist,
she moves herself about her fist and never ever ever gives a shit
about all those words you're wasting again
some pretty bright and bubbly wondrous dream
you'd like to kill and claim and claim her as your own
but don't you worry:
all those dainty and dirty emotions just go away and fade out on their own.

just. oh my god, jeff mangum. ksjafhk. the end.

i have my last class of the term in 35 minutes. and my second to last shift of work at the music library in an hour and 55 minutes. it's so surreal!

also surreal: the wonderful awkwardness that exists between me and this girl in my mondaywednesdayfriday sixth period class because i've seen her boobs when we were both drunk. I RELISH IT. the awkwardness, that is. it makes life interesting.

Tuesday, November 18th, 2003

Time:1:56 am.
i need to:
a) stop making phone calls when i am drunk
b) stop talking about orgasms when i am drunk
c) stop smoking so many clove cigarettes when i am drunk
d) stop sharing mortifying personal information with people i hardly know when i am drunk
e) stop being drunk


Wednesday, November 12th, 2003

Subject:calling on the angels for to lighten up your load
Time:4:04 pm.
as of 3.45pm there's winds in galesburg starting at 38mph and gusting to 51mph. as chelsea said as i was walking down the stairs and she was coming up: "it's a-blustery!"

i'm sitting here in the music library thinking of the wonders of solid food that i can sort of eat now. having a barbell through one the most prominent and useful muscles in your body makes you feel semi-sexy, semi-retarded.

last night i fell asleep on the phone; i've noticed that basically every time i hang up lately i am overwhelmingly and bone-crushingly sad. even with people in which i have placed the entirety of my trust, even with people i adore so fiercely it hurts me.

after hanging up this afternoon, however, i frolicked with stephanie on the post lawn sound of music style; she was totally julie andrews with a green sweater & scarf plus that perpetual cigarette, spinning around and around.

there are times when i'm really, really happy.

Thursday, November 6th, 2003

Time:10:43 pm.
Mood:death by boys.
god. so it's established that i am crazy, a jerk, an asshole and a bitch and that i am unnecessarily hung up on people that i cannot stop caring about for the life of me. hooray for lindsay, hooray for being almost-convinced of my ultimate and inherent inability to love and be loved!

(ha ha ha, bright eyes. so when is someone going to punch me in the head.)

maybe i should just be like the rest of my friends and do girls while waiting for a boy that i can have a meaningful connection with.
oh man i am just full of the funny tonight.

SO today i put off my religion & politics paper by sleeping and working. also riding around galesburg in meg's car with stephanie, listening to the rolling stones and smoking vanilla cigarettes (three cheers for self-destruction). now it is 2/3 written and i am going to officially die.

maybe i won't sleep tonight (not that i was going to sleep well anyway, HOORAY). right now i feel like i need someone to restore my faith in everyone, but i don't know. that is completely unrealistic, right? right. WHERE IS THAT PUNCH IN THE THROAT

Time:1:04 am.
oh my god. most surreal week. ever.

i am speechless! even though anything can happen at knox college. however i wish there were boys around right now. ughhh.

Monday, November 3rd, 2003

Subject:oh nap.
Time:2:25 pm.
this morning i woke up an hour later than i was supposed to and i had a (mini) nervous breakdown because of it. i almost started bawling on the phone with aaron at 8.30am when he was talking about buying dressers and bedskirts.

and i definitely had a panic attack in fp and freaked people out. ana was freaking out, too, but not nearly as badly as i was. it was a really bad idea to get hypercompetitive people together and play a "fake" game about socialism. but oh. not only did i win the game, i won the friendship of a boy i've wanted to hug since the first day i saw him (A TOAST TO FRIENDSHIP). i couldn't eat anything at lunch afterward though (it's because i'm insane).

walking back from lunch with stephanie & meg, i definitely slid down post hill on my ass. when i was laying flat on my back with red sunglasses on and a cigarette dangling out of my mouth, there were many pictures taken which was an awesome idea. not embarassing at all. that was the catalyst in my decision to end my four-day streak of smoking. and my decision to take a nap instead of going to class. hooray for me, hooray for mud.

also i am pretty sure i'm not going home this weekend. arrrr.

Saturday, November 1st, 2003

Time:7:28 pm.
i don't really know why/how i ended up at SIGMA BOO last night, but it was probably the most surreal experience of my entire goddamn life. and i didn't even smoke anything. ha ha haahah. (fake laugh!) the end.

now i am going to be TOTALLY AWESOME and take a nap. hooray!

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

Subject:seas too far to reach
Time:4:56 pm.
how the hell did it go from almost literally freezing last night (i was wearing gloves in my room) to seventy-six degrees right now? i also damned the sun to hell after lunch, and now it is quite cloudy. i've got the power, you guys.

i picked my classes for winter term. i do not have class before noon at all. and i hope to god i don't die in french again.

after class this morning i tried for approximately one hour to take a nap, but kept being interrupted by phones ringing throughout the suite. i gave up and stayed awake and even talked on the phone for a little while. it was good.

and on the subject of okkervil river:
yes, i've been listening to down the river of golden dreams exclusively for almost a week. "the velocity of saul at the time of his conversion" never fails to reduce me to tears and the line and i'm sorry it didn't end well, but some things just don't--that's life, and you shouldn't blame yourself in "yellow" makes me die times 3489273487, of course. and i've said this a million times, but still. "the war criminal rises & speaks" reminds me in the best ways of the potomac accord. which is still the best thing to come from st louis since toasted ravioli. ha ha ha, lame.

if i don't go to columbia on november seventh i will die of a BROKEN HEART. hopefully i will do it. hopefully!

Tuesday, October 28th, 2003

Time:11:09 am.
for reasons why today is the worst day in the history of days, see:
1. mind-numbing cramps.
2. constant nausea.
3. being yelled at in french.
4. this.
5. it's freezing and might snow.
6. thanksgiving.
the end.

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

Time:2:30 pm.
my mom just called and asked if she could borrow money to pay the electric bill.

god. god, god.

i think i need phone calls and/or hugs. but i know i don't deserve either.

Sunday, October 19th, 2003

Subject:i should have given you a reason to stay.
Time:4:33 pm.
oh, conclusions.

i know now that i have 0 (zero) writing talent whatsoever, and that kind of depresses the hell out of me.

okay, and. hooray for crying uncontrollablyCollapse )

i love some people so much it makes me want to rip my own eyeballs out because i'm so weak.

Saturday, October 18th, 2003

Subject:he's making big predictions of life on the west coast soon
Time:5:00 am.
NEVER AGAIN, i've decided, will i feel like a loser for not doing things with girls in my suite that i don't want to do. NO LONGER will i feel antisocial for sleeping instead of going to frat parties. GONE ARE THE DAYS of being ostracized for talking on the phone in my bed instead of playing on "inflatables."

so our suite activity made me basically miserable. my RA made me get up from a much-needed nap to watch volleyball. plus. meg wasn't there. stephanie wasn't there. i kept reminding myself that i shouldn't be unhappy, that this isn't high school where i justified my apathy for "fun school activities" with my overwhelming loathing for my school. obviously i don't hate knox in the slightest, so i should enjoy everything about it, right.


i just really hate being told how i am supposed to feel about things. and tonight around 10pm i was completely convinced that i fail The Big College Test of being successful both socially and academically. it turns out that i am perfectly comfortable with my social habits. it just takes the right people to bring out that confidence, i guess.

but i watched moulin rouge with my roommate tonight and it was lovely and quiet and not annoying at all. i'd never seen it before and, i don't know. it is just visually stunning. she went to bed and i was about to "retire to my chambers." meaning "crawl to my 21.67 square feet of space that is all my own" when meg crept upstairs at 2am and scared the hell out of me. she smelled like a walking vanilla bean and told me to take a walk with her and so i did. we ended up going to eat and were simultaneously horrified and intrigued by the people who seem to constantly inhabit the broadview. she smoked menthol cigarettes and i watched her tell stories with her hands and i decided that i can't imagine not being here. that's it.

other things:
+ there are very few people that don't make me feel so awkward and constantly aware of myself. and when i meet new ones it's totally thrilling. hooray!
+ also i'm going to have to go to the dentist over winter break, i think. my wisdom teeth are a pain in the ass. or jaw. or... ass. whiskey.
+ it turns out that the completely awfully great jokes we were telling on the radio last nightmorning somehow made it back onto the air via meg's friend's show tonight.
+ JERKS!!!

i'm sorry that writing completely inane and cliche revelations over and over again in my stupid livejournal has become my favorite thing to do as of late!

Thursday, October 16th, 2003

Subject:this girl is in my phone as erica WIFEFACE
Time:6:01 pm.
bumslostlebowski: sometimes i wish i was a robot girl. that ate screws. and had liquid titanium for blood.
bumslostlebowski: i would be so hardcore then.
king me naive: oh erica. me too.
king me naive: and we could eat boys alive. for all the times we've been hurt.
king me naive: and not cry ever.
bumslostlebowski: yes, and start with their fingers. and then their toes.
bumslostlebowski: oh yes. and if we cried. we would cry knives. and then we would kill the lame with said knives.
bumslostlebowski: and we would be tough as nails
king me naive: haha <3
bumslostlebowski: nay! made out of nails.
king me naive: YES.
king me naive: steel women!
king me naive: with hearts of gold!
bumslostlebowski: "cause every tool is a weapon if you hold it right"
bumslostlebowski: yes yes!

Subject:so you couldn't find a place in your heart to put her
Time:11:55 am.
okay, so i keep my promises.

it's amazing, people are amazing. it was nearly one am and we left in some breathless desperate hurry to forget (i was wearing the same scarf in my hair i wore july 16); when we were walking down west street my phone rang for the first time that night.

it was kevin, telling me after weeks of silence that i am great and that he doesn't want to ever not talk to me. i started crying, of course! i couldn't not, you know. reassurance from all the wrong places made me nauseous and i just walked faster.

my coffee & her tea made me better. the tiny girl in black-framed glasses, homemade tattoos and south side accent across that booth from me made me fall in love with her for the millionth time in the past six weeks. she's brilliant and caring and her scars aren't on her wrists & arms, but on the inside of her veins. they show with every flick of cigarette ash and sawed-off shotgun story she tells.

somehow happened a story i'm still too sick to tell, and we were rescued (virtually, in too-late past tense) by the table across the restaurant of rail-thin bespectacled boys decked out in chuck taylors and button-up shirts eating cheese fries and belgian waffles (one of them was someone i'd been admiring from far away forever; he offered parts of his cinnamon roll to me). we talked about, in no particular order: cheese, fries, david bazan, abortions, homestar runner.

chivalry's not dead in galesburg; being escorted in sweaters and scarves to your (very) out of the way dorm at three-am, wading through pools of leaves kind of, you know. completely restores your faith in human beings in general.

she & i, we slept on sofas in public with blankets and cough syrup last night. on three hours sleep i finished homework, ate breakfast (wild cherry pepsi. two hard-boiled eggs. frosted shredded wheat.), went to french and survived, and here i am. i just need to talk. and be okay. and listen to this song over and over and over for ever and ever.

the end.

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Time:1:29 am.
you guys i know i update like 423948723894723847 times a day now, but i would just like you all to know what i am doing on october 14:

+ sleeping through french
+ working at the music library FOURTH HOUR. I CANNOT FORGET.
+ seeing kill bill with stephanie & maybe meg?
+ watching memento shortly thereafter

ps. my roommate is the funniest person ALIVE.
pps. she is climbing on furniture with a stream of toilet paper, smashing japanese beetles with a goddamn vengeance. that's not why she is the funniest person alive though. the end.

Monday, October 13th, 2003

Subject:sleeping aides & razorblades
Time:1:31 pm.
sometimes i wish i could sit here in front of my keyboard and all my insecurities would type themselves out into heartbreaking sentences, leaving me okay and better and NOT CRAZY. but it doesn't work that way, it's always up to me. hooray!

i got an A- on my first fp paper.
i got a D- on my fourth french exam.

i am pretty unaffected by both of those.

i'm really tired now but i wasn't this morning. i was up until 2am writing letters to a boy & to a girl that i'm sending packages to today because apparently pouring out all of my affections in ink makes me feel infinitely better about everything that could possibly go wrong. ever.

it's just exhaustion, yes. i have to resist record-buying, definitely.

Sunday, October 12th, 2003

Subject:oh, you took the words right out of my mouth.
Time:1:16 am.
i am almost blindingly happy right now and it is crazy.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Subject:i stole this from my girlfriend heather
Time:7:28 pm.
last library book checked out: raise high the roof beam, carpenters.
last movie seen in the theater: school of rock.
last book read: (completely finished) god's long summer by charles marsh.
last swear word uttered: goddamn.
last beverage drank: dr SLICE.
last food consumed: peanut butter cookies. i am awesome.
last crush: umm.
last phone call: cody.
last TV show watched: that tlc urban legends thing. vending machines crushing watermelons?? AWESOME.
last time showered: yesterdayyyy. and i'm gonna do it again when i finish with this.
last shoes worn: pink flipflops.
last CD played: transatlanticism.
last item bought: hold on love.
last downloaded: ted leo.
last annoyance: how disgustingly messy i am!!
last disappointment: oh, basically everything in my life right now!
last soda drank: dr slice, duh.
last thing written: an insane livejournal entry in my notebook.
last key used: post key.
last words spoken: NO! okay that is just one word.
last sleep: i fell asleep at like 2.30am after an awesome phone conversation of love and woke up at 8.45am.
last ice cream eaten: VANILLA YOGURT
last time amused: stephanie yelling.
last time wanting to die: basically all the time, lately!
last time hugged: ahhhhh. either that mike kid on friday or sam on saturday i think.
last time dancing: REALLY dancing was friday night.
last poster looked at: DEBBIE HARRY <3<3<3
last web page visited: live to the journal.

ALSO. stephanie and i are doing pissed off bitter angry music for our show tomorrow. we were inspired by this and our own individual awesomeness.

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Time:12:16 am.
chelsea was just up here talking to stephanie's roommate, and she said "welcome back!" to me. then:

"i knew you were back because i heard you say HELLO. did you know that you say that really weird? it's...distinctive."

and then i laughed for about 876 years. the end.

Sunday, October 5th, 2003

Subject:thank you for kicking my heart in the balls
Time:3:26 am.
i'm sitting in my house, yes. i go back to knox tomorrow. as of now i don't think i want to come back on the seventeenth.

i went to goodwill this afternoon and it honestly surprised me that people sincerely missed me. they gave me presents. but i guess it always surprises me when anyone feels anything strongly about me one way or the other.

cursive was last night, and it goes without saying that it was wonderful and perfect and i kept having to feel my chest because i thought my heart had stopped beating a few times. emo but true.

i'm tired but 4am doesn't feel late anymore. but i'll go to sleep to hold on love and tomorrow i will wake up, attempt to buy tell balgeary, balgury is dead, and keep everything together. everything is just, i don't know.

ps. thank you for kicking my heart in the balls.
MidnightGambler5: LINDSOY
MidnightGambler5: LIND"SOYBEANS"

Thursday, October 2nd, 2003

Time:11:48 pm.
so, i don't think anyone understands how sleepy i am right now. and how i still have to do a radio show. and memorize some french. and write/type a paper.

but i'm going home tomorrow & i am seeing my rockstar boyfriend/favorite band everever up close & personal (again) and i am definitely sleeping on the drive there. so that makes everything okay for pretty much ever.

ps. i've noticed that my habit of writing papers out with blue ink on notebook paper before typing them has persisted into college. my biggest problem so far has been writing song lyrics in the margins (this paper is covered in exploding hearts lyrics because i am awesome) and being distracted by them forever.

Subject:why isn't succexy a mood
Time:1:37 am.
i would die without the phone. the end.

erica (silencieux) & michael (_narcolepsy)
heather (callresponse) & aaron (tripsright)

oh oh so much fun. even with jokes about my breasts.

also. i miss angie. and i really want to see her this weekend, the end. i feel like a bitch, though.
also again: tomorrow i am going to die. kthx.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

Subject:let's pretend we're not needy
Time:2:55 am.

there's a VERY slim possibility that i may go home this weekend and see my favorite people EVOR with my favorite band EVOR and the thought of even that CHANCE just makes me goddamn BLISSFUL.

i am insane, the end the end.

EDIT it is now 2.55am and i am officially dead but officially almost done with my paper. goddamn tea making me crash & burn. also i am freezing to death slowly, i will not be surprised if i wake up frostbitten.

also i am less excited about st louis this weekend even though it would probably be really good for me. just because i realize how overwhelming it would be to pull it off, everything would have to work out--securing a ride, securing a ticket, securing a sub for the library on extremely short notice. oh oh sigh, it'd all have to be perfect & nothing really ever goes perfectly for me.

i'm going to sleep.

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003

Time:11:52 am.
i slept through french, i have a fever, i am still in pajamas, it is almost noon, both stephanie and my roommate are gone, i still have goddamn metric in my head, i have to write a paper about karl marx, i am kind of hungry but kind of dying, i really want someone to hug me, i wish i didn't suck so much!

ps. what band might be played on network television? oh, that's right. the one i am GOING HOME TO SEE the seventeenth because they are so great and contains one of my favorite people in the worrrrrrrrld.
pps. my pink converse shoes FELL APART yesterday morning and i just became devastated when i went to put them on and remembered that they were in no condition to be worn in freezing weather. i need some duct tape, you guys.

Sunday, September 28th, 2003

Subject:i'm sick you're tired let's dance
Time:11:04 pm.
Mood: sad.
i was just looking through all my journal entries for basically the past summer/two months and feeling crazy. i don't know; today's been really hard to deal with and there's really no reason why it should've been. it's just really hard, i guess, when you feel like there's never any words that go with the way your heart aches or how your stomach drops unexpectedly. ughhh.

last night i had dreams that were simultaneously set in st louis and galesburg; i woke up & my heart physically hurt. oh and my phone rang at 8am and i answered it with headphones on.

i think my insides are coming out of my ears or something. i don't know. something doesn't feel right. rarrrr.

ps. where's erica where's erica? i'm going nuts over here. come back, baby.
pps. did i mention that i love heather? and that she is amazing for calling me from a cursive show tonight. hearts to you, ms g.

Friday, September 26th, 2003

Time:10:25 am.
i just took a french test. thus, i just died.

also: i slept for three hours this morning. after leaving some amazing voicemails and livejournal comments. i am awesome when i am sleepy.

IMPORTANT: which one of you wants to take me to chicago on the eleventh of november/urbana on the fifteenth/st. louis on the seventeenth? because. oh my god, ted leo & his pharmacists. oh my god.

okay a bell is ringing which means i have to walk to GDH. hooray

Thursday, September 25th, 2003

Time:4:51 pm.
so my cds came yesterday and i am filled with glee.

if i had my camera cord, i'd take a picture. but instead i will repeat what is written on my door:

first of all i know why michelle calls so much "AHHHHH!!! MICHELLE." also, after you punch me i'll deck you so hard you'll end up at next wednesday and when we catch up to you in DAYS (cause you'll be there before me and the rest of the world) my posse will be here to teach you a lesson!

i'm tired and tomorrow is friday. hooray!

ps. maine island lovers? i can't stop listening to it and dying.

Monday, September 22nd, 2003

Subject:the happiest place on earth
Time:12:35 am.
fighting with pretty much everyone i love is the most awesome thing in the universe. it's a good thing i'm so stable, otherwise i couldn't handle it. HA HA HA AHA HA.

i am super super excited about people (like sam & lauren, erica & julie) coming up and down (respectively) to see me. why are people that i know so great, i ask you. WHY WHY.

stephanie's back and i felt like i was having a perpetual heart attack without her. i realized it when she walked in the suite door. i guess it is bad to be that dependent on someone! hooray for codependence forever!

i am sending aaron cds tomorrow because i am the best friend ever. we will pretend like i have not promised them since he was here in july, though.

i also wonder if it is okay to resign myself to the fact that no one in the near to distant future will be in love with me. because i think i have. and my heart hasn't exploded out of my ears yet. i am just trying to keep close to everything that makes me happy. and then i will be okay, i guess.

ordering a million records on friday = them being here soon, right. RIGHT. i love how when i am upset i order music, and waiting for it to arrive is just a constant reminder of why i was upset in the first place. oh, right. i am insane.

i will be librarianing and french-movie-watching and rained-on-ing tomorrow. awesome.

Saturday, September 20th, 2003

Subject:don't be fooled by the rocks that i got
Time:1:59 am.
okay so just so you all know, after an almost three-hour-long conversation, i feel like i am qualified to say that heather marie is my new phone girlfriend. okay. she's the cutest, i swear.

the end!

Thursday, September 18th, 2003

Subject:the anticipation's got me glued
Time:12:00 am.
Mood:&i am waiting for something to go wrong.
okay so.

+ i'm working in the library at knox. being a librarian is pretty awesome.
+ stephanie and i are getting a radio show? apparently we are really funny. or something.
+ model un tomorrow hooray!
+ i am probably going to missouri october 17.
+ (can i say this? it feels weird saying "i am going home october 17" because i've started calling here and knox and galesburg home recently. AWW. i am lame i know.)
+ i'm SO TIRED. for real.
+ there is a condom in my pocket
+ mmm the reindeer section. oh oh oh.
+ i totally sent michael a mixtape today after making it yesterday. i am awesome. actually i am pretty nervous about it because i feel like i haven't made a tape in FOR-EVER but the last one was for aaron and it was pretty well-received, so. if it is awful i am blaming it on my new stereo okay?
+ i feel like there are very, very few qualities about me that are truly likeable sometimes. i don't know.
+ GOD i can't go to model un because i have to watch BLADERUNNER for fp. GODDAMN MY LACK OF FORESIGHT FOREVER.

okay. i am the sleepiest. mrarrrrrrrrrwer. hooray sleepy noises, hooray bed hooray homework being done.

ps. call me tomorrow if you love me.

LiveJournal for sweet jane.

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